The Buttcracker and the Sugar Fig Perry
by nekked
Summary: The worst rendition of The Nutcracker story you will ever read. Prompt! from Yasaonna-chan. — Luffy/Nami


**A/N:** I don't know if you're reading this, Yasaonna, but I hope you don't think I wasn't serious when I said I could do _anything_. I hope everyone laughs, I hope you all have had happy times this holiday season, and hopefully Ya-chin is a little less bored than she was a month and a half ago. Hopefully you can see why I waited until now to release this. :P

Prompt: _Talking Pudding With Rainbows Flying Out Of His Ass_

And of course, that ties into The Nutcracker. Somehow.

Just go with it.

I don't own One Piece.

* * *

><p><strong>The Buttcracker and the Sugar Fig Perry<strong>

"Oh, Usopp…Franky…"

Nami found it hard to speak. That's how dumbstruck she was with what could only be described as the most fantastic thing the two invention nerds had collaborated on yet.

A disgustingly adoring 'UWAAAAAH' from the peanut gallery behind her confirmed that her individual time to gawk had timed out. Usopp and Franky were mobbed by Luffy and Chopper, both jumping up and down and being swatted away from the shiny new toy their friends had made.

"Let us at least demonstrate what it does first," Franky said with mild pride, rubbing under his nose when his audience appeared to be hanging onto every word that came out of his mouth.

They had all been waiting for weeks to see this, the mysterious, fangly, dangly, noise make-y cling clangy thing that was being worked on in the holds of the ship. Luffy and Chopper sat in the grass, Usopp pressing a button near the top of the clock contraption. "We could wait until it reaches the hour, but there's also a button at the top you can press…"

At first sight, it was a magnificent castle, but it now folded its walls over to take the more familiar shape of the Sunny. Everyone gasped in delight when miniature figures of each crew member came out and did a quirky dance to the tune of a different chime inside the machine.

Robin chuckled, seeing herself moving in a figure eight over the mini lawn deck with a book in her tiny hands, Sanji chasing her with a tray and hearts in his eyes. He never seemed to catch her.

"It's funny. Because you'll chase her for infinity," Usopp laughed a little too loudly, Franky joining and swatting him on the back. "You know? Like, side ways eight? Infinity? Because you never actually-"

Sanji had no qualms kicking his face in before going back into the kitchen and finishing dinner.

Zoro blinked at his own figure, lying on the ground taking the world's most lifeless nap, only to jerk back up to standing with a bottle in his hand. He _clang-clang-clanged_ up the mast on a short trip to the crow's nest before cycling back to nap time.

Chopper marveled at his figure in the mini-firmary, his dancing continuing on until he was carried out to the crude grove of orange trees where Nami's figure stood. She jerked up, picked the marble that fell as a mikan from the piping in one tree, put it in the bucket that tipped into a pipe that led down to the stairs, rolled past Sanji and Robin, and back into the mast. The marble was carried up and carefully laid back on Nami's tree for her to start the process over again.

"This is really something," Brook said, skeletal mouth agape while he watched himself, violin in hand, circling the top of the bath house eternally. When Nami's mikan marble reached the mast, his figure dropped down to peek into the small window.

"Typical," Nami huffed, shaking her head while Brook yohoho'd.

"Awesome," Luffy gushed, getting up close and personal with mini Luffy, sitting proudly on Sunny's head, his hat a clanging cymbal on top of his smiling face.

"You guys really outdid yourselves," Zoro said, chuckling and scratching at his ear. "We were starting to wonder why we hardly saw you anymore…"

"Consider this our gift to you," Franky said, poking his own bulky figurine doing the 'Franky' in a circle around the helm. Upon Nami's mikan stop, he paused to pose.

"And consider this my gift to you shit-head's…and _swan's_," Sanji hollered and kyaa'd, smirking and squirming and giving the signal that dinner was finished. He did a double take when he realized Luffy had already blown by and was scarfing down food as fast as possible. Everyone else hurried to join them in the frenzy, except Nami and Robin.

The older of the two smiled and asked, "Are you excited to give it to him tomorrow?" Nami blushed softly, scratching her nose.

"Thank you for your help in making it. I'm not too good at sewing…"

"Nonsense. You did a fine job. I'm sure he'll appreciate it very much."

This made the red-head smile from ear to ear. She'd worked very hard on a present she thought Luffy might like that he hadn't gotten before. Something to set her apart from the usual meat, alcohol, play time, etc. gifts.

The two were just about to head up and relieve Sanji of his vicious guard dog tendencies over their portions, when they heard an ear shattering scream burst from the galley door. After the initial shock had passed and the screams started coming in whiny calls of 'it hurts! it hurts!', the girls hurried up to see what drama had unfolded in the three minutes they'd been out of sight.

* * *

><p><em>He would get a tooth ache on Christmas Eve…<em>

Nami knew he'd had it coming for a while. Considering how little flossing he did, she was surprised this hadn't happened before now, actually. Still, it was hard to not feel sorry for him when he carried on like that. The tears were heart wrenching. Though, they were more in response to not getting to eat his fill. And then when he'd tried to eat through the pain, Nami's instinctive empathy had been numbed over by a realization that she was going to spend her _entire life_ dealing with this stupidity. Better start conserving estrogen now…

Robin had fallen asleep already, soft snores emanating from her bed. The only reason Nami was up was because she had wanted to wrap Luffy's present, but she hadn't been able to find the tape. So she was settling for reading a pamphlet she'd brought back about the island they were docked at. It hadn't provided much entertainment, but the local's swore they made the best pudding.

Sanji had actually opted out of making dessert and, taking their word for it, bought some for everyone to try after dinner. Unfortunately, Luffy's near brush with death, or so he made it out to be, had been the focus for the rest of the evening and dessert had gone un-had. Shame. Pudding sounded good right about now-

_Crash._

It was faint, but unmistakable: something in the kitchen had just fallen and shattered. And considering what Nami knew about the kitchen, the fridge, and her friends, there were only a handful of options for what could be going down across the lawn. Either a) there was an intruder on the ship who had somehow gone undetected by Zoro's creepy sixth sense and had decided the kitchen was the best place to start raiding, or b) Luffy was afoot.

…Honestly, the only question she was asking herself as she dragged herself out the door of the girls' room and down the stairs was what he'd broken. Had he somehow gotten the combination to the fridge? (Okay. Two questions.) He had gotten sneakier since they'd regrouped after two years: more pain-in-the-ass-y. Maybe she'd ask Franky to develop one of those new fangled eye recognition/finger print sensitive key pads…

"I didn't mean to," came the pathetic, pouty voice before she'd even finished walking through the door. Nami blinked at him, then slowly let her tired eyes sigh over the shattered bowl of…something…he was attempting to shove under the table and hide.

It was too late to yell and everyone else seemed to have not detected their captain's night time activities, so she huffed at him, got a few rags, and cleaned it herself. He watched quietly, head still bandaged in lieu of his tooth troubles. The bow at the top made him look stupid and that made her feel better.

She squinted at the squishy stuff she'd cleaned up as it was washed down the sink. "Was this...pudding?"

He nodded slowly. "It sounded good 'cause I hurt."

Her heart ached for the small child he projected. Too bad he was a lanky, gumpy twenty year old man. He was trying to pout, but that seemed to irritate his aching, so he stopped. Ah. That all too feminine feeling was crawling into her throat, threatening to vomit something that might suggest she wasn't as hard hearted as everyone thought…

"Here," she said softly, reaching into the fridge, bringing out the pudding and putting some of it in a washed tankard. She tossed in some egg nog, vodka and ice, then swirled it with a straw before holding it out for him to sip. He gave her grateful eyes before tasting, then went flush with boyish happiness when he grew confident he liked it and took it from her hands. Her heart _dokin'd_, but she ignored it and yawned to cover her blush.

"Want some?" he asked, smiling and holding it out for her to try. She tried to act cool, but she was a woman: sharing the same straw as the guy you fancy is kind of momentous.

She nearly choked when they both caught the loud _clang_ of what could only be the clock mechanism Franky and Usopp had made, though they'd claimed it only announced the hours from eight in the morning, to eight at night. And yet, the two sat at the kitchen bar and listened as even more clang's followed, shamelessly announcing the late hour.

_Clang._

"What time's it?" Luffy muttered, attention slowly reverting back to his drink. Nami squinted into the dim of the kitchen, trying to concentrate.

_Clang. _

"I'm pretty sure it was past eleven when I was in my room, so it's probably midnight."

_Clang._

They both looked at each other as the last _clang_ passed between them. Luffy seemed to be finishing his drink, so she got up to clean it for him. He leaned his face in his hands, blinking when he realized what he was doing. She raised her eyebrows.

"N-Nami…my mouth doesn't hurt anymore," he marveled, testing his jaw slowly to see if he was just being presumptuous of himself. Nami raised an eyebrow.

"That's strange. There's no more pain?"

"No! Your magic drink fixed it!"

In a rush of gratitude and happiness, he moved to stand with her behind the counter and hugged her clumsily. She froze and wondered how red she was right now.

_Magic drink, huh…_

"Let's get to bed," she offered quickly, trying to hide her discomfort with the situation. He nodded and followed her towards the door.

"Merry Christmas…" he started, the words dying on his lips as Nami opened the door and they both stared out at the mist that now engulfed the Sunny's deck, strange figures darting back and forth inside of it.

"Nami," Luffy said in a gravelly voice, pushing her aside and narrowing his eyes, "stay back."

She glanced at his face worriedly. Luffy's haki allowed him to sense the presence of anyone in the vicinity, so it was strange he hadn't noticed the presence of strange people on the ship…

Something leaped from the fog, his fist making contact with its target faster than her eyes could confirm the hit. When they could see their assailant clearly, they were both surprised. And more than a little confused.

"Tanuki?" Luffy said bluntly, pointing at it and tilting his head. Nami did the same, ignoring how un-smart she probably looked. You almost couldn't help it. There, in front of them, was the fattest raccoon either of them had ever seen. It wore a gold crown inlaid with diamonds and rubies on its head and a toothy smirk on its face.

"Ah, the Buttcracker…we finally meet..."

The two humans looked at each other and sweat dropped.

"Butt…cracker?"

The huge raccoon charged for them, Nami dodging and Luffy easily punching his arch nemesis, or so the punch-ee claimed he was as he soared through the air and back into the fog. Nami glanced over when she detected movement across the gorge, eyes widening as an equally fat raccoon was exiting her room with a familiar sack in its paws.

"Aw, HELL NO," she screamed, heart sinking when she and the critter made eye contact and it dashed for the stairs, gold coins falling out of the top as it scrambled to escape.

"Luffy!" Nami cried passionately, running madly for the stairs on their side, "This ends here! There is no way I'm spending Christmas explaining how a bunch of mutant tanuki robbed us."

Luffy nodded, throwing himself over the railing and into the madness. When she reached the bottom of the stair case, the suddenly deflated heroine realized this was going to make a ridiculous story. Here she was, barefoot and flailing around in the silk nightie she'd gotten on sale the other day (basically free since the salesman had liked the effects of her push-up bra), and instead of spending Christmas trying to seduce the Libido-less Wonder, they were fighting for their lives (and more importantly, her money) against rabid raccoons. And where the fuck was Zoro? And Sanji? And _everyone_?

A few raccoons went flying over her head and she new Luffy was probably making some progress. She moved forward, hoping to find the fatty with her sack so she could try to sneak up on it. Being weaponless and significantly more vulnerable was something she had thought she'd seen the last of, but apparently a romantic romp on the improvised battle field was what had to accompany her innocent curiosity. Thanks, but never happening again. Luffy could go fuck himself with his tooth aches and his baby face and whatever else was on the list of things that could potentially kill her.

Whether it was by luck or bad timing was debatable, but eventually Luffy came plowing through the mist and mowed his navigator over. They tumbled into something hard and groaned collectively, limbs tangled and bruised.

"Get off me you idiot," she growled, just about fed up with the evening.

"Nami, my stomach hurts," she vaguely heard her companion whining as she stood up and gaped at the second craziest thing she'd seen all night.

Luffy recovered from the ache in his gut and stood beside her, equally confused and reverent. He tilted his head and stuffed his hands in his pants pockets, "Nami, that…that's the castle clock Usopp and Franky made, isn't it?"

Certainly was. Though, it was about a hundred times larger now. Or rather, as she looked past the castle and at the even larger, even more intimidating structure of what she now presumed to be the real Sunny, they had shrunk. Assuming that didn't sound crazy next to the giant raccoons.

A small sound broke the silence, and Nami gave her captain a half lidded stare when he didn't have the grace to excuse himself.

"Seriously? You couldn't wait until you go back to your smelly man cave to do that?"

Luffy laughed. "Sorry. I did tell you my stomach hurts."

"Pass gas at a more convenient time," she instructed, spying a couple rats making a mad dash for the castle's double doors. Her eyes glittered with rage and possessiveness when she noticed ones was carrying a large sack over its shoulders.

"Come on," she grunted through her teeth, dragging Luffy by the wrist up to the doors. Before they'd had a chance to reach them though, it sprang to life and the castle walls fell to reveal the Sunny.

"Buttcracker! You and I will have our last show down here!" came the cackling voice of the Tanuki King. Luffy blinked, completely unmoved by the rest of the rodent's passionate monologue.

"He's not very good at fighting. This is getting boring," he whined, forgetting he and Nami had both shrunk somehow. Or maybe he hadn't forgotten, just simply moved on from that quicker than she'd anticipated he might.

"We are not here to kick everyone's ass," she reminded him, squeezing his hand, "we're here to get my money back. And then we're gonna figure out what the hell crazy wizardry is going on around here…"

"You okay?" he asked, giving her a weird look. She nodded, then realized what she was still doing. His face became more confused when she let go and started fidgeting with her hair, pulling down her short clothes, shifting her eyes and muttering to herself about keeping her cool…

"YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!" the raccoon squeaked in rage, both pirates suddenly aware of the circle of raccoons that had surrounded them. "FOR YOUR CARELESSNESS, I SHALL DEFEAT YOU HERE, AND TAKE THE WOMAN AS MY WIFE. BUAHAHAHA!"

How many times had _this_ been threatened before...

"You know what, time out," Nami hollered, forming an 'X' over her chest before the raccoons could move in viciously to tear them limb from limb.

Luffy turned to her. "Nami? What-" Before he could say anything else, she held a finger up to his mouth, daring him to say another word. He fell silent, as did everyone watching, and stared as she marched herself right up to the King of raccoons, who actually looked a little stressed now that the evil prelude had not swayed anyone.

"Why am I _always_ the instigation for war, huh? _Why must I be the prize_."

It was a reasonable question. Perhaps every other girl fantasized a little about being desired by multiple men to make her hero jealous. But there was no hero here. Just Luffy. And sad to say, the damsel in naked, invisible man almost rape distress train had run its course and she'd moved on to bigger, better, sexier things.

"Let me tell you, Mr. Mutant-nuki," she spat, poking him in his furry chest with one finger and pointing at the guy picking his nose about a half a yard away in normal measurements. He listened closely, fearing for his life.

"I have been bartered for and kidnapped and rescued and all that other shit for a good portion of my life, and I didn't spend two years _literally_ in the clouds dwelling on my abnormal level of affection for the man standing before you to get kidnapped and married to a raccoon on Christmas."

Luffy let out a fart more perfect than any script could've called for.

"Our whole crew, currently Luffy and I, are a team. We all fight together. We are one. United. Force. Against…" she searched for a word, but settled for shoving the raccoon a little, "…Evil."

"Nami, it hurts~" Luffy whined, holding his stomach.

"You. Shut up," she snapped, turning back around.

"We are a team. I torch em', he finishes off the big bosses. That's the arrangement. You don't get to belittle my contributions and act like I can't come up here and intimidate the shit out of you, the small fry."

"Woo! Preach it, sista'!" one of the raccoons, currently wearing Luffy's hat, called from the circle and z-snapped with approval. "Girl don't _need_ no man!"

"Oi! Gimme my hat!" Luffy screamed, stretching and reclaiming it.

"No I don't, but I can tell you the view of his ass is _much_ better when I've got his back," she finished, stepping away and allowing room for a retort. The circle of raccoons whistled and cat called, leaving Luffy utterly confused. Especially when one smacked his ass and laughed when he recoiled.

And from there, things took a downward slide towards ridiculous. Well, ridiculous-er than raccoons and shrinking…

"You know, everybody just assumes I'm the KING of the tanuki's," the now revealed Queen of the tanuki tribe sobbed heavily, Nami nearly sucked dry of human compassion after an hour of listening to three failed marriage stories and a child hood filled with family unrest within the royal family and probably some incest she hadn't bothered paying attention to… "I just sound a little manly. I can appreciate a beautiful woman! But you can't tell that to a mother shoving prince's down your throat…"

"We should really be going," Nami muttered finally, dragging Luffy away. His gas had gotten more violent, mysterious rainbow colors announcing its passage as well as exaggerated lift off. This had kept him entertained while his navigator played counselor, but it was starting to creep her out and she was concerned for their means of unshrinking.

"Oh, no, you can't leave like that," Queen Tanuki called after her, "you're under the pudding's spell. Now you have no choice but to see the Sugar Fig Perry."

Nami paused in her trek up the musical Sunny's deck . "The what?"

"The Sugar Fig Perry," their former antagonist explained, "is the mistress of the figs, and oversees the making of the pudding."

Nami narrowed her eyes. "Pudding?"

"It has wondrous magic capability, particularly enabling one for flight."

Luffy farted and shot six feet in the air, a trail of rainbow color following in his wake. Nami stared and put two and two together.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me…"

"So I can fly?" Luffy asked hopefully, grabbing onto Nami's hand so he wouldn't fly off into oblivion if he needed to let loose again. She didn't know what to make of it and shook her head, reasoning, "No, I drank- er, ate some too. Why aren't I flying?"

Tanuki Queen shrugged. "Maybe you don't believe."

Nami stared. "Believe?"

"In the magic of the pudding."

"…I don't believe in the magic of the pudding so I therefore cannot shoot rainbow's out my ass and fly. Makes perfect sense."

Luffy laughed like a loon and set a personal record, arm stretching as he tapered off at twenty feet in the air. He bounced on the landing and received a smack as a warning to try harder to restrain himself. Nami turned back to the explanation and shook her head.

"How does this effect my chances of getting back to normal?"

"You must meet the Sugar Fig Perry and ask her how you can return. But to get into her kingdom, you have to fly."

Of course. What it came down to, was that Nami wasn't a bumpkin, and that was slowing their progress. Luffy's faith was apparently soaring. He now had the ability to stay suspended in the air for short periods of time.

_Well, I suppose pretending this isn't complete bullshit for a while can't hurt. I mean, this has to be a dream. I fell asleep reading the pamphlet and the fact that Luffy's present was the last thing I was thinking about probably puts him in here with me. _

Easily explained. But she remembered the way she'd felt when he offered her the pudding concoction, and the taste of his virgin saliva. And whether she wanted to admit it or not, she had liked it. She'd liked sharing spit with him a lot-

"Good one, Nami!" Luffy crowed, her surprise flatulence sending her shrieking and flailing up next to him, then tumbling back down to the ground. The tanuki's clapped in approval.

"Now, focus all the thoughts you were just thinking, and continue on to the land of the Sugar Fig's," Tanuki Queen said, shedding some tears. "And…I hope you'll think back on our time together and smile."

"Just gimme my money and I'll forget any confrontation we might've had," Nami muttered, her sack being passed over and dropped at her feet. She handed it to Luffy, who didn't particularly mind carrying things now that he could fly.

Yeah, it was time to go. The fat, lesbian raccoon hadn't sung, but close enough.

Nami set to work imagining every kinky thing she could do to her companion with a bowl of cursed pudding. It worked, and her muttered 'sayonara' disappeared along with them in a cloud of rainbow exhaust.

* * *

><p><em>"They're still asleep? Somebody poke them with something…"<em>

_"Shush. Your idea's are awful…oh! The girl's waking…"_

_"Everybody step back!"_

Nami woke to these voices, blinking and looking all around her.

_Now I know this is a dream…_

A few feet away, in what appeared to be a sake bottle, was Zoro. The sad thing though, was that her bullshit radar hadn't detected anything until she'd seen the tights he was wearing.

So dream Zoro was a tight wearing, bottle of booze. _Perfect._

She moved over to shake her captain awake, wanting to share this moment with him. Especially now that she looked around at the other familiar faces of the crew and started making connections: Usopp was a sausage link, Chopper a giant puff of pink cotton candy, Brook a skeleton of licorice lashed together, Robin a classy aged wine, Franky a hot dog, and Sanji…actually where the heck-

"Oh~! The angel's have awakened!" came the sickening, syrupy voice of something that sounded suspiciously like Sanji might after being kicked in the crotch. Upon turning around, Nami confirmed she was probably right.

Sanji stood, unshaven, knobby legs held up in pink pumps with a tray of sugar cookies in his mittened hands. And a _tutu_. A bright pink, tube top leotard with a tutu and brilliant, gaudy costume jewelry. He giggled like the shattering of glass and his hair swayed over his caked mascara eyes and chapped, stained lips.

_This…this can't happen…_

"Sanji," Luffy moaned, lifting himself up and staring in horror at their host. "What…_happened? _What are you_ wearing?_"

"Teeheehee…what do you mean, silly? I know no Sanji. I am the Sugar Fig Perry. It seems you've been naughty and eaten my special figgy pudding and don't know how to get back to normal!"

"Wait a second," Nami said, holding up a hand as she looked around, "where the hell are we?"

"Why, you're in the Sugar Fig Forrest, sweetie."

That certainly sounded like a fitting name for their location. Nami's hands and knees were dusted with powdered sugar, a clever substitute for snow. Silver trees bearing golden fruit were dusted with the same thing, and everywhere she looked, things glittered. Even the blue rock candy lake beyond the clearing rolling with various candied trees and shrubs.

"We'll get the ceremony started right away, so you'd better suit up into something snazzy!" Perry suggested, causing the pirates' attire to change with a wink of his crusty eye. Nami coughed out of the transformation, blinking in admiration at the beautiful pearly silk she was decked out in. She blushed at its resemblance to a wedding dress, and wasn't exactly put at ease when she noticed her companion's attire: a white coat embroidered in silver to accent the watery color his eyes sometimes hinted at when he got extra excited. He stared, mouth agape, and treated her to a special gaze into what she'd worked to bring out.

"Do you like it?" she asked, more confidently than she felt. "I made it. Well, with Robin's help. I was going to give it to you for Christmas…"

She glanced at Perry, who winked again and twirled back into helping the other "crew members" with preparations. Whatever that meant.

"It's shiny…kinda stiff though," he said, unable to help complaining a little. She loosened the collar for him and smoothed her hands over the fabric.

"We've been shrunk, battled giant raccoons, and farted rainbows in this dream. If you can still manage to complain about a tight collar, I think we're doing alright," she chuckled. He smiled in return, taking her hand in his.

"Nami…" he started, her dream finally culminating into what she'd hoped would come at the end. She was sure. His face started moving towards hers, a dusting of powdered sugar on his nose making her wonder how he could be so damn dumb and so damn cute at the same time…

"You got something there," he said, flicking dust from her own face. She pouted, but he didn't seem to notice and went back to being himself, running in circles around his food themed crew mates with skippy steps and starry eyes.

"You gots to get _on_ that," Perry punched encouragingly to Nami, coming up from behind her and bobbing his head in Luffy's direction, swaying his tutu'd hips suggestively. "I'd like to pour some sugar _all_ up on it…"

"The ceremony," Nami growled, being handed a bouquet of lollipop's and sighing when Luffy was shoved in front of her with a frosting flower slapped lazily over his breast flap. Great. One more thing to clean when the dream was over.

"I will now ask the pudding the method for which we will send you home," Perry announced, lifting a bowl of pudding to his ear and listening intently. Nami deflated, getting tired of playing around with this shit. Luffy munched on bacon from a bacon shrub after Sausage-sopp had rejected a taste of his nose.

_I wonder how long it's been in the real world. An hour? Eight? Wonder if Sanji's cooking while this wraps up…_

"Uh-huh. Hm. Interesting. Ah, yes. Mm. Uh-huh…" Perry crooned attentively into the pudding bowl. He seemed satisfied with its answer and handed it to Chopper to be responsible for.

"It asks that you gather up your energy," Perry instructed, pirouetting. Nami blinked.

"How do we do that?"

"Using your pudding cups as a medium, you can sync your pulses and match up your energy."

"…You're telling me he has to grab my boobs in order for this to work?"

"Unless you want to stay here with me forever!"

Nami grabbed Luffy's hands and slapped them to her clothed boobs defiantly, glaring at him and daring him to do little more than wonder why this was happening.

"Can you feel her heart beat?"

"…I guess."

"Don't squeeze them. I'll seriously charge you…"

"They squish. Why do girls have boobs, anyway…"

"Is your energy synced yet?" Perry asked brightly, reapplying lip stick. Luffy ignored her warning and squeezed a couple times for good measure, shaking his head.

"I don't feel anything."

"Me neither," Nami growled, swatting his hands away. "And I'm nuts for believing pudding knows the best way to get home."

"Perhaps we need a better medium…" Perry pondered, scratching his goatee. "What if you kissed?"

Nami immediately froze under her own blush. "That's a terrible idea."

"Kiss?" Luffy said loudly. "If we eat it will we go back to normal?"

"It's not something you eat, idiot…"

Luffy pouted. "I'm bored with this dream. I didn't get to fight anyone, Sanji's bein' nice even though I touched your boobs, and Usopp wouldn't let me eat his nose. Let's find the kiss and go back home."

Nami scratched her cheek, and muttered, "Well, you don't really have to look for a kiss…"

"You don't?"

"Nope," she said softly, moving in closer to his face and grazing his lips, "You just kind of-"

* * *

><p>"Nami," Chopper called, waking her before her puckered lips could grace his traumatized face. He blinked in confusion and fright as she looked around, aware that everything was back to normal. She looked the teensiest bit disappointed.<p>

"Why were you guys sleeping in your orange trees? It's cold out here," Chopper said, concern evident in his voice. Nami turned to see Luffy passed out and snoring at the opposite end of her grove.

And then she noticed something else: it was snowing. Except-

"Powdered sugar!" Usopp hollered, Chopper gasping at this revelation and running over to join his friend in catching it on his tongue now that Nami'd awakened.

_"You're in the Sugar Fig Forrest, sweetie."_

Nami looked up at her trees, smiling a little. She looked down at her attire, still the green nightie she'd worn to bed. She looked over at Luffy, still shirtless.

"I've got a sack down here," Franky called, a bit confused, "a bunch of gold and stuff in it…and Mugiwara's hat…"

"Did you guys leave stuff by the clock yesterday?" Usopp asked, he and Chopper coming up the stairs again.

"WHO THE FUCK BROKE INTO THE FRIDGE LAST NIGHT?" Sanji screamed from the galley. Nami turned and glared over at a giggling Luffy.

"One time, I read the combination before Sanji opened the fridge with haki," he admitted, shaking the powder off his personage. Nami shook her head and stood up to walk over to him.

"Do you remember anything?"

He smiled. "The dream? Yeah. A kiss is kinda weird, you know?"

Nami blinked. "We kissed in your version?"

_Probably because Chopper woke me first…_

"Yeah. And Zoro danced. And then you farted and we flew to the moon. It was funny." He thought for a moment, then laughed again.

Wow. She had missed the one thing that might've _really_ made the whole thing worth it. Figured. Though, seeing Sanji in a dress had been kind of eye opening. He'd looked a little too at home in it. Perhaps he'd consider modeling something for her one of these days if she asked...

"You know, I'm not so sure we're really back," Nami said, smirking mischievously. "That whole time I didn't really believe in the magic of the pudding. What if we're still in a dream?"

"I don't think-" He was cut off with the reception of his first real kiss. Or that's what Nami counted it as. As she stood there, leaned over and pushing her lips over his, she took particular satisfaction in knowing she was the one to taint not only his real life, but his dreams. He blinked when she pulled back with a _pop_ and giggled.

"That's so weird."

"Come on, Buttcracker, I've got a present for you. Something you'll _really_ like," she coaxed, grabbing his hand.

He blinked. "Is it the coat? I liked it, but I can't really wear it if it's not to somethin' fancy…"

"Nope," Nami said huskily, leaning on the door frame to her room. She dragged him in with her and slammed the door shut.

"The matching panties to this nightie weren't on sale so I didn't buy them."

* * *

><p>Zoro sat in the crow's nest, trying to nap despite the dozen raccoons sitting in a circle and staring at him. He shrugged.<p>

"I don't mind if you guys stay, but keep it down."

* * *

><p><strong>The end.<strong>

**:U**

**Believe in the magic of the pudding**

**A/N:**_ Perry is an alcoholic champagne made from fermented pears, so I thought it might tie into Sanji's character :3_


End file.
